THE WAHOO – THE FIRST OF THE FINAL FIVE

THURSDAY MAY 14, 2015. Show #4210

George Clooney, and Tom Waits. Plus: the Ten Commandments; Jeb Bush Gaffes; Mike Huckabee’s Campaign Promise; Nobody Cares; a new baby on the staff; a Top Ten list; and a special drop-in visit from Al Pacino.

 

From Europe’s busiest port, it’s the Late Show with David Letterman.  Tonight: George Clooney, and music from Tom Waits.   Plus: Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra.   I’m Alan Kalter.   And now, a man just the right size for his britches . . . . . . . . . David Letterman

 

ACT 1:

MONOLOGUE:

  • “The Pope has made his annual announcement of the new saints. To be named a saint, you must have performed a miracle.   If that’s the case, one of the new saints should be my make-up person.”

 

The oldest copy of the Ten Commandments is on display now in Israel.  WE have the full report from CNN.  We take a look.

ANNOUNCE: “The oldest known copy of the Ten Commandments, dating back 2,000 years, will be put on display at a museum in Jerusalem.   And in related news, archaeologists have just unearthed rare security camera footage of Moses making the copy.”

We see Moses at a Kinko’s copier making a copy of the second-five of the Ten Commandments.  

ANNOUNCE: “Lou Thompson, CNN, Jerusalem.”

 

Kudos to Eddie Valk.  He played Moses in this piece, a leader of the Jewish religion.  And a few weeks ago, he played Jesus in a “Looking For Jesus” piece.  Leader of the Christian religion, leader of the Jewish religion, it doesn’t matter to Eddie.  He was magnificent in both.   Bill O’Reilly should consider Eddie Valk when he gets around to shooting, “Killing Moses.”

 

Oh, that Jeb.  He announced he was running, then someone whispered in his ear to tell him he’s not running yet, so he backtracked and said he’s not running.   Yeah, everything is a big production these days.  Everything is show business.  Now politicians announce that they will be making an announcement.  It’s like a pre-engagement ring . . . and I think we all know why a guy gives a gal a “pre-engagement ring.”   It sort of green-lights a reason to engage.    But this announcement/non-announcement by Jeb is just one of him many recent gaffes.   We take a look at this report on his gaffes.

ANNOUNCE: “Likely presidential candidate Jeb Bush has committed a series of gaffes that have journalists and voters questioning whether he can win the presidential election.”

Cut to a photo of George W. Bush.

ANNOUNCE (as if GW Bush): “Didn’t Stop Me.”

ANNOUNCE: “A message from President George W. Bush.”

 

It’s time for a campaign promise from presidential candidate Mike “Once Tubby” Huckabee.   We take a look at a recent speech.

ART CARD: MIKE HUCKABEE CAMPAIGN PROMISE

MIKE HUCKABEE: “As President, I’ll / take this country back to the Stone Age in a matter of minutes.”

ART CARD: MIKE HUCKABEE CAMPAIGN PROMISE

 

Usually you can tell an edit easier by ear than by eye.  This edit was audibly undetectable. 

 

It’s time for another installment of a very popular segment, “Nobody Cares.”   We take a look.

ART CARD: NOBODY CARES

We see/hear The Seacrest, Ryan Seacreset, in this thrilling moment on the American idol.

SEACREST: “ . . . and the winner is . . . . of American Idol . . . .  Season 14 . . . . . . is . . . . .”

Quick cut to the art card: NOBODY CARES

 

ACT 2:

Dave admires Paul’s outfit tonight.  It is a black and white, horizontal striped suit.    Says Dave,

“He’s dressed that way, no coincidence, because the warden had thrown a party at the county jail.”

 

Up in the dressing room before the show, someone commented to Paul that they liked his outfit.  Paul laughed and said, “Thank you. Where else could I get away wearing this?”   And I said the obvious, “Prison.”

 

Great news!  Our Art Director Mark Erbaugh and his wife Portia are the proud parents of a baby girl, Sonya Elinor Krieger Erbaugh, born Monday May 11, 2015 at 5:03 PM, weighing in at 6 pounds, 15 ounces.

Congratulations to Portia and Mark, and welcome to the club, Sonya!

Years from now, Sonya will be able to say, “When I was born, David Letterman was still on TV.”

 

TOP TEN – Dave opens the Top Ten list.  Out of the animation . . . . Al Pacino is standing in the skyline!  Only in New York, kids, only in New York! (Cindy Adams).

What’s Al doing here?  

AL: “WELL, Dave, I don’t know . . . . I guess I . . .  I was wondering I know you got only a handful of shows left and I was wondering if I could help out with one of your Top Ten lists.

DAVE: “You want to read a Top Ten list?  Of course!  Come on down here, Al!   Come on down and have a seat!”

Al Pacino descends and takes a seat in the guest chair.   Al explains that he doesn’t really want to read a Top Ten list since he’s not prepared.  But what he does want to do is read out the numbers.  Just the numbers.   Dave is more than agreeable to that somewhat odd request.  But before we go to the Top Ten, Dave has a favor to ask Mr. Pacino.  This was all Dave.  Nobody knew what was coming.  Dave scribbles something on a blue card and hands it to Al.   Al looks at it and says,

AL PACINO: “Say hello to my little friend.”

Ahhh, from “Scarface.”     Yes, at times I bet it’s fun to be David Letterman.

 

Al does the numbers . . . Dave does the read.

“Mad Max: Fury Road” opens tomorrow.   It’s the fourth in the “Mad Max” franchise, and the first in 30 years.   But why is Max so mad?

Top Ten Reasons Max Is So Mad –  Al with the numbers.

  1. His brother, Mad Gary, keeps asking for money
  2. Instead of Fury Road, GPS sent him to Fury Lane
  3. Fox cancelled “The Mindy Project”
  4. Only saved 12% after switching to Geico
  5. Paid $2 million for Letterman’s marquee
  6. Low-T (Al didn’t get that joke. Dave explains Low-T is a condition that older men may get. 

AL: “So it doesn’t concern me.”)

  1. People don’t know how to use the word “Whom”
  2. His movie has to go up against “Avengers: Age of Ultron”
  3. People always asking “What happened to Mel Gibson?”
  4. He’s retiring on May 20th

 

Dave, by mistake, said “Number 4.”    Dave apologizes, explaining that he forgot.   A habit is hard to break.

 

As Al Pacino runs off, with his black suit and black flowing hair, he looked like Richard Lewis.

 

ACT 3:

GEORGE CLOONEY

Did anybody ever tell you that George Clooney is handsome?  If so, they are right!   

George sits down and has something he wants to do.  He takes handcuffs from his pocket and attaches himself to Dave.  George then throws away the key.  Dave wonders, “George, is this something from your bachelor days?”   George doesn’t want Dave to leave, and he won’t let Dave leave.

George recalls his old days of single-town.   He’d go out for a night on the town, but never forget to put in the VHS to tape the Late Night and Late Show.   Now he’s married, and the best night life is at home.    And now when he and his wife sit to watch the TV . . . he finds that Dave won’t be there anymore?    That’s not OK in George’s new world.   Everyone else says how sad they are that Dave is leaving, but with the handcuffs, Dave won’t be leaving George.

Dave has a lot of questions about George’s wife, the human rights lawyer.   She fights for those around the world whose rights have been taken away.  Dave lifts his handcuffed hand and says, “Right here!   My rights have been taken away.”  Dave is fascinated by George’s wife and her fight for the rights of others.   How is her day different from George’s?   Well, her typical day is traveling the globe to find injustice and righting the wrong.    George spends his day handcuffing himself to TV celebrities.

 

Home for George and his wife is now a little island on the Thames.   They share the island with a dinner theater where they will often visit.  The two walk through a graveyard to get there, which can be nice, but the return walk at night can be a little creepy.   And it has a pub.  Goodness, what more do you need?  While George is describing his new digs, Dave just gazes at the megastar.   Sensing something amiss, George stops.   And Dave can only say, “You have gorgeous eyes.”

 

And now for you Late Show aficionados . . .  gorgeous eyes . . .to what other man has Dave said that?

 

George then takes a moment to tell Dave how much he’s meant to him, and to everyone out there, all of us, how much Dave has meant.   The laughs he brought to us came at times we really needed them.   And Dave isn’t going away; we are taking him with us always.

 

Dave then takes a selfie of George and himself for the collection.

 

George Clooney – a man who is way too comfortable.  Damn.   I wish I were half as comfortable as he.   I imagine he can dominate a room just by sitting there.  While everyone else is running around trying to impress, George can sit back and relax and still be the center of it all.  That’s star power.  He’s got it.   He could almost turn me.

 

ACT 5:

ANNOUNCE: “It’s another must-see Late Show tomorrow, with Dave and his guests, Oprah Winfrey, and Norm Macdonald.

Send your cards and letters to: “Will This Arrive Before The Show Ends?”

Care of: The Late Show, 1697 Broadway, New York, New York, 10019.”

 

ACT 6:

TOM WAITS

The handcuffs.    The great Tom Waits enters and sits.  George sits behind them both on a stool, still handcuffed to Dave.    He tries to remain inconspicuous, quiet and small . . . like me at a party before the drinks hit.  

Seeing George and Dave handcuff, Tom apologizes, saying, “I usually have a (handcuff) key on me.”

Tom says he hasn’t been in New York City for a quite a while and when he was walking the streets he saw this long  long line.  He didn’t know what it was for.  He figured it might be for a “girl fight.”   I laughed hard at this.   A girl fight . . . yeah yeah, I know . . . but they can be a lot of fun to watch.   Tom asked a couple guys on line what the line was for, and they said, “We‘re in line for salad.”   A salad?   Tom adds, “I was frankly embarrassed for them.”

Dave admires how Tom’s mind is always working, not only in his music, but in other areas of life.    Currently, Tom is working on creating a new antiperspirant with the fragrance of a new car.   He experimented with some the other day.   When his wife got in the car, she said, “Honey, is this a new car?”   And Tom said, “No, it’s my antiperspirant.”

Another idea he has is a fragrance . .  . a perspriant fragrance.   It’s for retirees and stay-at-home dads and adult-children who have returned home after college.  It’s not an antiperspirant, but a perspirant.  It’s for those who want to smell like they’ve been working.

And just this morning Tom came across a political rally that he’s eager to get behind.   It was a “Free The Gluten” rally.   Dave looks over his shoulder at George and the two are on the same page as they say together how George’s wife is involved in the Free The Gluten cause. 

 

And then Tom Waits sang a beautiful “Take One Last Look.”   Just perfect.   I’ll be listening to some Tom Waits as I till the garden this weekend, a can of Piels by the hoe.

 

And as always, whenever I hear Tom Waits sing, all I can think is “Get that man a lozenge!”

 

And that was our show for Thursday May 14, 2015.

 

I really really liked that show. Bunch of adults being silly adults.    One of my favorite shows in a long long time.  

I’m wondering if these recent shows have been so good because no one is trying to sell anything.

 

George Clooney was offered, but he refused, to promote his new film, “Tomorrowland,” opening next Friday, May 22nd.  It’s a frightening frightening movie.   In “Tomorrowland,” there is no Dave Letterman on TV at 11:30.   I’m not sure if I want to live in that world.

 

I can’t believe Harry Shearer is trying to steal Dave’s thunder.

 

I had forgotten how funny Tom Waits could be.     I first became aware of Tom Waits on Fernwood2Nite, a parody of a talk show with Martin Mull and Fred Willard back in 1978-ish.   I will say forever that “Fernwood2Nite was the fastest half-hour ever on television.   And now that the end is near here, I feel I can say that “Fernwood2Nite” may be my favorite television show of all time.  I see that the entire series, “Fernwood 2Nite” and “America 2Nite” is on the DVD, so guess what I’m buying?   Looking back, it almost seems like a parody of Dave’s daytime show before Dave had a daytime show.   If you’re unfamiliar with “Fernwood 2Nite,” get familiar.

 

I was writing up tonight’s Wahoo while listening to Thursday’s show.   When Tom Waits was out there, the laughs from the audience were EXACTLY like the laughs from Fernwood 2Nite, from Dave’s daytime show, from the early Late Night shows.  You could hear some of the people in the audience getting the joke immediately, and some bewildered by the whole thing.   As I listened, I said “I’ve heard those laughs before.”  They are not like any other.  Re-watch the Tom Waits’ segment with the picture off.  Just listen.   Those are the laughs . . . . those are the laughs that very very few shows have ever got.

 

“You have gorgeous eyes.” – Dave said it to George Clooney tonight.  To whom else did he say that?

The one I was looking for was General Tommy Franks: 8/06/-4 #2220.  In my search under “EYES” I also found he said that to Ellen Degeneres 5/19/05 #2369.    And also in my search for “EYES” I came across this forgotten jab.  Dave is talking about George W. Bush – June 26, 2000, Show #1429, less than 5 months before he was elected President the first time.

Dave, about GWBush: “Looking into his eyes, I couldn’t help but think, ‘You can have a dance in there.’”

 

The Wahoo Gazette may be going away, but I’m not.  In a bare-bones, not yet developed website, I will continue at www.mikemcintee.wordpress.com.    I’m waiting for my daughters to make it something more eye-appealing.   And you won’t want to miss what I really feel about Dave.

 

Thank you to the Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon for the pizza delivery from Harry’s Italian yesterday.   The staff and crew enjoyed lunch on the tab of our friends at Rockefeller Center. 

And today, the adorable Ellen Degeneres provided cupcakes, lots and lots of cupcakes, which no one could say “NO” to.  

 

Here’s a little something you football fans can chew on.  The Indianapolis Colts are the ones who got the ball rolling on the Patriots deflating the footballs.  It started with them.    Tom Brady eventually gets suspended for their first four games.    And who do the Patriots play in their 5th game?  That’s right, the Indianapolis Colts.   And how much do you want to bet that if the Patriots were to play the Colts in their 4th game, Tom Brady would have been suspended for only 3 games.  Tom Brady’s first game back to play the Colts will be a huge event.   The NFL will love the numbers and the revenue.   The NFL wants Tom Brady back to play the Colts, and for that reason his suspension was 4 games.

 

Friday’s show!  Oprah and Norm Macdonald.  Oh, that Norm.  A very special moment; a Norm like you’ve never seen.

 

ARE THEY STILL READING THE WAHOO GAZETTE?

From Los Altos, California, it’s Chris Gilson.   Is Chris Gilson still reading the Wahoo Gazette?

This concludes another installment of ARE THEY STILL READING THE WAHOO GAZETTE?

 

CAMEO MENTION OF AN AFL NEWSGROUP ORIGINAL

Libby/quintilla

This concludes the debut of a Cameo Mention of an AFL Original.

 

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

From Chattanooga, Tennessee, it’s Brad Steiner

This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

 

The Wahoo Gazette . . .  where the first draft is the final draft.

 

Michael Z. McIntee

mikemack@aol.com

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One comment

  1. Jim C. · May 17, 2016

    (Dave sniffs blue card) “Smells like a rerun…”

    Like

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